The Stories You Cannot Tell

My boss is an asswipe and as I stood pissing in the urinal, I saw some pretty intense yellow scum around the lower rim part. Then a lightblub went off.

I grabbed some paper towel and scraped up some of the yellow scum then went over to his coffee mug and rubbed the yellow funk all over the rim.

I can’t wait until the lesions start appearing. I have no idea what sort of biohazzard that yellow urinal scum is, but I figure it’ll fuck up his mouth good and proper.

So…….Maybe he’ll stop pissing people off? Hard to talk down to someone when you mouth is a giant canker sore!

I have never admitted this to anyone before but I guess this is the forum where I can hide behind anonymity. I love the smell of urine. I think maybe it stems from the excitement of masturbating in the stall of a public toilet where I could smell the urine from the unflushed urinal. I also love the smell combined with the aroma of Johnson’s Baby powder. I regularly put lots of baby powder onmyself in the morning after my shower and during the day I let small amounts of pee dribble into my underwear. Also, each time I go to the toilet and get the opportunity to sit down, I bend my penis down so that I am peeing on my scrotum. I then pull my underwear up without wiping it off. By the end of the day, I can take off my undies and sniff that wonderful smell while I masturbate. It has got to the point where I rarely jerk off without a pair of fragrant undies over my nose. I stoill go to public conveniences to masturbate while I get off on the smell. I have never heard nayone talk about this sort of thing before and am very interested to know whether there are others who have a similar obsession.
B

I threw a New Years Party at my apartment a few years ago. I invite the whole apartment block plus many friends and of course my girlfriend. Party was a blast, everyone had fun. It’s about 5 in the morning and everyone that’s staying over is situated and it’s time for my girlfriend and I to bring in the new year.

I lay her down on my bed. I stand at the foot of the bed and start doing a strip tease for her. I stumble in my drunken state, then fall backwards into my closet, ripping the door right off.

Still playing cool, I shake it off and resume my stripping, even though she’s laughing a little. I am finally buck nekkid and I lay down beside her.

Then it starts.

First a gurgle in my throat. Then the room starts spinning. She’s laying beside me, we’re about a foot apart, face to face.

The bed spins, my head spins, I feel sick.

Before I could even move, I puked. Now, when I say puke, I mean like the scene in Stand By Me when they do the pie eating contest. Projectile-type vomiting.

I hit her right in the face, full force. There was so much puke, there was an outline of her on the wall behind her, only where her head was, there wasn’t any puke.

It was bad news. I had drank red wine and white wine, Jim Beam and then had some conversations with my buddy Jack Daniels. Top that off with a few shots of Tequila and I puked right in her face.

We stopped dating shortly after.

Want to know the irony? I used to call her “stank-breath” behind her back. She had some major halitosis.(sp?)

Guess I was the stank-breath that night!

Wruf in Ottawa

We got the news that this family was going to be out of town and they had dope stereo equipment dvd’s computers and shit. 8 of us go in the next night through the sliding glass door in the bakyard.

…There was 2 people sleeping in the bed! Seconds later we all panicked and everyone bolted…

We split up when we get inside. I went upstairs and in to a bedroom looking for something small. I found a watch and a walkman so I grabbed them. I went in to another room when I heard someone loudly whispering in the hallway. I went out and saw 3 of the other guys all looking scared. I asked them what’s up and they pointed in to another bedroom. There was 2 people sleeping in the bed! Seconds later we all panicked and everyone bolted downstairs not even being quiet anymore.

We ran out the back door and up over the tall chainlink fence. The biggest guy there was one of the last to get over the fence and when he got up and over, he dropped pretty fast. The screaming started when he hit the ground.

It was bad. I saw what was left behind. There was just a shiny white bone there and some stuff hanging down.

The guy left his finger behind. No shit. He had a huge gold ring on and it got hung up on the top of the fence. He screamed as he landed on the other side of the fence. I we turned around when we heard him scream. It was so nasty. The guy was fucked. One of the guys went up and got the finger down.

It was bad. I saw what was left behind. There was just a shiny white bone there and some stuff hanging down. We got back to the car and tied it up tight and drove him to the emergency. He was crying and yelling and we were yelling and screaming the whole way to his hospital.

They couldn’t re-attact it. He told people he shot it off by accident. Guess he wanted to sound all hardcore. He didn’t want to tell the real story cause he sounds like a dumbass.

Name withheld upon request
Location withheld upon request

Not really myself, but, damn near close.

I was working in a customers house when suddenly I felt the urge to shit. Normally I can control such urges, but this time it was really painful. I obviously couldn’t do it in the customers house so I went out to my work van.
I didn’t have a toilet in my van obviously, but I did have a plastic bag. So I jumped in the back and dropped my drawers, trying to aim my backside at the plastic bag I had laid out on the floor.

Worst case scenario happened. I shit all over my work van. It was a bad situation. Even worse, I had nothing to clean up with. So I used my underwear. I quickly cleaned up and went in to finish with the customer, hoping that I didn’t smell like shit the whole time.

Now I know what is up when I see people’s underwear on the side of the road!

signed
Shit-for-brains in Seattle

Yes you. You’ve been pushing my buttons for what, 6 months now? Treating me as your own private slave. Dumping work that you are supposed to do on MY desk?

I hope you enjoyed your coffee this morning. I put a little something extra in it.

You probably didn’t notice as you are full of shit, butt…..

Eat shit and die.

Name kept secret
Location kept secret