Archive for the ‘funny’ Category

My vibrator caught fire

Published: June 26th, 2007

I was tired of constanly having to play with the wire to get it to run. After months of use the wires had become lose or something. I was too embarassed to ask my husband to fix it, so I attempted to repair the lose wire myself.

After taking it apart I saw that one of the wires was almost pulled right out of the welded part. I had watched my computer-tech husband solder in the past, so I tried it myself. I removed the wires, cleaned the surfaces and heated up the soldering iron. After a few practice tries on a piece of wood, I was able to solder the wires back on. I re-assembled the vibrator, turned it on and it worked. I was so proud of myself although I really couldn’t boast about it.

So last night the hubby heads to poker night. I head to bed with B.O.B.(Battery Operated Boyfriend). I put on one of my favorite fake lesbian porno’s and begin to masterbate. Minutes later and I’m heating up, enjoying the lesbo-tongue action taking place on the screen.

As I am buzzing around my nether region, I feel the silver bullet getting warmer than I remember it ever getting. Thinking that perhaps I was overly stimulated thanks to my successful soldering-repair experience, I put it out of my mind.

As I think back to last night, I realize it was about 30 seconds after thinking that the vibrator was warm, that it got very hot to the point that I couldn’t hold it against even my lips, let alone my clit. I brought it closer to inspect it and realized that I actually might burn myself if I didn’t drop it.

So I did. There it sat on the blanket, buzzing. I checked the controls to see if maybe I had maxed out the speed. Usually medium was enough to satisfy me, anymore and my teeth would rattle. I’m sliding the speed switch up and down when I smell something burning. An electrical smell.

The silver bullet vibrator is smoking. In my panic to switch it off I slide it all tyhe way to maximum speed. Before I could turn it off the vibrator revved right up and stopped. A ribbon of smoke rose up from the bullet itself. I slapped it off the bed and on to the floor. I saw a little tiny flame and then poof, more smoke and a even more of that real nasty burnt smell.

As I sat there shocked, hundreds of thoughts raced through mymind. What if it was inside me and blew up? What would I tell the doctors. Imagine the pain! What would I tell Simon?

After I composed myself, I grabbed the vibrator and tossed it out. I still haven’t bought another one, but I have a new dildo. It looks real and it doesn’t smoke.

I don’t even have to tell you why this is a story I can not tell right?

p.s. Too bad these things don’t come with an extended warranty

Mr. Vienna Sausage

Published: April 14th, 2006

I caught him - I taped him - so here it is. And yes - he posed for these!!
Cheater, lying, creepy SOB!

http://home.earthlink.net/~dogslurp/index.html

Name kept secret
Location kept secret

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I normally wouldn’t post a story with an URL in it but…This was too funny to pass up. This is a story HE cannot tell it seems. Enjoy! (The link leads to nudity. NSFW)
-joe
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I did a big bitch

Published: November 26th, 2005

Or maybe I should say the big bitch did me! Good and proper I might add. I met her at a house party. Near the end of the night I saw that I wasn’t getting any attention from the hot girls in the house.
I started chatting up the big one and before long she was all over me like I was a Mars Bar. We made out for a while and she asked me to come upstairs with her. I agreed and we headed up to an empty bedroom. She gave me head without me even askin. AND it was damned good head too. Probably the best blow-job I’ve ever gotten! I came and she was eager to clean up the mess with her mouth.
It’s a story I couldn’t tell my friends, they’d all laugh at me! Now the whole internet can laugh with me!

S.E. in Portland

When I was little

Published: November 23rd, 2005

I’d crawl in my brothers bed after my parents went to sleep. I had problems wetting the bed, so I’d crawl in with him, pee the bed, then go back to my bed. He’d get in crap in the morning for peeing his bed

W.P in Detroit

Holy Condoms

Published: November 22nd, 2005

I hated this guy named Marcus.
Our class went on a end of the year class trip and I ended up being in his room. When he left, I put pin holes through each of his condoms.

I haven’t seen him since. Years later and I sometimes catch myself wondering ever happened and if he has children.

Name withheld upon request
Location withheld upon request

I have a secret, about my behind

Published: November 15th, 2005

I shave my ass.
I’m not hairy all over, but my ass resembles Chewbacca.
I shave it on a weekly basis, from top to bottom, side to side.
No one has ever noticed for a couple reasons.

1)I never walk around nude

2)My girlfriend(s) never found out cause I made sure I was freshly shaven before they came over.

So there you have it. My ass is beastly when I don’t pay it proper attention

Name withheld upon request
Location witheld upon request